Manners And Etiquette – Important things to Remember

Remember-- That, in introducing people the man must always be introduced to the woman.

  • That the younger woman, the unmarried, the less socially prominent, are introduced to the older, the married and the more renowned..
  • That to pronounce names distinctly avoids much awkwardness to those introduced.
  • A casual meeting on the street does not necessitate an introduction.
  • Never present yourself with a letter of introduction. Leave it at the door.
  • That a card represents a visit, and that leaving your name in this way makes your friend your debtor.
  • That after dinners, luncheons, theatre and card parties a call is required, whether the invitation is accepted or not.
  • An invitation to a wedding must be acknowledged by sending cards to those in whose name the invitation was issued, and may, if she so pleases, call on the bride on her return from her wedding journey.
  • One should send announcement cards rather than invitations to those with whom acquaintance is slight.
  • An invitation to afternoon tea does not require reply. Leave cards if present.
  • The etiquette of calling on an "at home" day does not differ from that of an ordinary call, save that some light refreshment is offered, as a rule.
  • That the bachelor and the widower should respond to every invitation whether accepted or declined, by calling and leaving cards, whereas the married man's wife may leave his cards with her own. Men ignore this rule a great deal, however.
  • Cards must be engraved, never written or printed.
  • That a married woman uses her husband's full name on her cards; that a man's name always has the prefix Mr., and an unmarried woman's or young girl's that of Miss, and that "pet" names are not "good form" on cards.
  • The extreme limit of a call is twenty minutes, and the first caller to arrive should be the first to depart. 
  • That you should not prolong your leave-taking.
  • That the lady invites the man to call, and being thus complimented he should soon avail himself of the permission.
  • It is the mother's place to invite young men to call, not the daughter's, though she may say "My mother would be pleased to have you call on us," The mother must then meet and assist, for a time at least, in entertaining him.
  • A first call must always be returned. Afterwards the acquaintance need not be continued.
  • "Not at home" is no discourtesy to a caller if she is so informed when the maid opens the door. The maid should know whether her mistress wishes to see callers or not.
  • P. p. c. on a card means "To take leave," and intimates your friend is leaving town for a season.
  • It is customary for mother and daughter to use a card on which hath names appear when calling together. A debutante, in our most conventional society, has no separate card of her own. If she calls without her mother, she uses this double card, running a pencil mark lightly through her mother's name.
  • Sisters may use a card in common; it should be engraved "The Misses Jones," and used when calling together or sending gifts.
  • The divorced woman, if she drops her husband's name by permission of the court, uses her maiden name on her cards, with the prefix Mrs. If she retains her husband's name, she usually combines her family name with it, as Mrs. Jones Brown.
  • A card should never be handed to a hostess or any member of the family. Lay it on the table. If a member of the family opens the door, a card need not be used, though one is often left as above.
  • At afternoon teas, receptions and "At Homes" the visitor leaves a card for the hostess on the tray in the hall, and one for the guest of honor, or the debutante if one is being introduced.
  • A card to an "At Home" or an afternoon reception does not require either acceptance or regret. If the person invited attends she leaves her card; if not, she sends it by mail to reach the home on the day of the reception.
  • An invitation to a dinner must be answered immediately, and un¬conditionally accepted or declined.
  • If, having accepted, it becomes absolutely impossible to keep the engagement, the earliest possible notice must be given to the hostess.
  • It is unpardonable to be late at a dinner party. Arrivals are expected within ten minutes of the hour named.
  • One wears the best she has that is suitable for a dinner party.
  • The reply to an invitation must follow the style of the invitation. If formal, that is, in the third person, the reply must also be in the third person. If informal, the personal form being employed, the reply is also informal.
  • Do not send your card with "Regrets" written upon it, in response to any invitation, formal or informal.
  • Telephone invitations are admissible only for informal affairs. General invitations, given verbally, have no social footing. "Do come and dine with us some day," unless followed by a definite date or note of invitation, means nothing.
  • An invitation given by a man to dine or visit, or to a home entertainment, is not to be accepted unless seconded by his wife.
  • A girl, sending invitations to commencement exercises, encloses her card.
  • It is bad form to show that one feels slighted or affronted at not having been invited to any function, or not given the precedence one feels herself entitles to. The hostess, in her own home, obeys such rules as she believes correct.
  • A visitor is expected to contribute her share to the pleasure of the occasion by being conversationally agreeable.
  • If hostess, one must overlook every awkwardness on the part of the guest or servant, and any accident to one's belongings, but be deeply solicitous and apologetic if an accident happens to a guest,
  • The guest of honor at a dinner party should take leave first. Other departures follow speedily.


Remember--

  • That an invitation to spend a few days with a friend requires a speedy reply. It is not allowable to say one will come either earlier or later than the time specified.
  • A visitor should adapt herself to the ways of the household, be punctual at meals, and make no plans or arrangements without consulting her hostess.
  • She may not invite a friend of her own to a meal without requesting permission of her hostess.
  • She should be careful not to infringe upon the privileges and prerogatives of the man of the house.
  • She may accept invitations in which the hostess is not included, but never without due consultation with her hostess.
  • She should show herself pleased with the efforts made to entertain her and enter into them readily.
  • She should leave promptly at the expiration of the time set for her visit. It is almost invariably a mistake to outstay the limit. If no limit was named in the invitation, she should, within a day or two of her arrival, state the date on which she will leave.
  • On her return home, her first duty is to write her hostess, announcing her arrival and expressing her pleasure in the visit. To omit this is a grave discourtesy. A hostess once said of a woman who failed in this particular: "We don't know whether she reached home or not; we never heard from her after she left."
  • On departure, maids or servants who have attended one should receive a gratuity, proportioned to the means of the visitor and the style of the establishment.
  • The hostess should arrange to have the visitor met, either meet¬ing her in person at the station or being first to greet her on her arrival at the house.
  • Guest rooms should be in perfect order and equipped with every possible convenience for the comfort of visitors.
  • The hostess arranges whatever pleasures are possible for her guest's enjoyment, invites her friends to call on her, and probably gives a tea or reception in her honor.
  • Do not forget that it is ill-bred as well as unkind to discuss the family affairs of one's hostess with others; to criticise or complain of her arrangements; or gossip about her or her family.


Remember--

  • The announcement of an engagement comes from the family of the girl.
  • The parents and relatives of the bridegroom-elect should call on the girl and her mother, or if living in another city write cordial letters without delay.
  • The bride-elect should respond to these advances with cordiality.
  • She should try to make her future husband's family like her.
  • Etiquette is not relaxed in the case of an engaged couple. They do not make calls together except on relatives or very close friends. They may not make journeys together unchaperoned.
  • The cost of a wedding, whether at church or at home, is borne by the bride's family, the bridegroom paying for the wedding ring, the clergyman's fee, and the carriage in which the pair leave the church after the ceremony.
  • Though it may be necessary to limit the number of invitations to a wedding, announcement cards should be sent to all the friends and acquaintances of the two families.
  • The "giving away" of a bride by her father is no mere form; it is a recognition of family authority, the claim of a father upon his daughter. It should therefore be a part of the ceremony.
  • Invitations to the church ceremony do not necessitate a wedding gift. Those invited to the reception may send gifts if they so desire.
  • Cards are usually removed from gifts, but in some cases are left on.
  • All gifts should be acknowledged before the ceremony if possible, by the bride herself.
  • If the bridegroom's parents live out of town, it is customary for the parents of the bride to invite them to their home as guests of the occasion. If this is not practicable, they may engage rooms for them at a hotel, paying the bill in advance.
  • It is thought unlucky to postpone a wedding. Better withdraw the invitations in case of severe illness or death, and have a quiet home ceremony with few present.
  • A bridal procession always moves up the central aisle of the church. In case there is no center aisle, it moves up one aisle and retires down the other. The relatives of the bridegroom are seated in the body of the church on the right; those of the bride are similarly placed on the left.
  • The hats of the father and ushers are left with the sexton in the vestibule and handed to them as they leave.
  • At a church wedding a bride almost invariably wears a veil. Her attendants wear hats. The maid-of-honor may wear a short veil.
  • The dress of the bridal party has already been fully described in a preceding chapter.
  • It is the custom for the bridegroom to give a gift, almost invari¬ably a piece of jewelry, to his bride; and a small gift of silver or jewelry to each of the ushers and to the best man. The bride generally gives some souvenir of the same character to each of her attendants.
  • The bridegroom sends the bride her bouquet, and often one of violets or her favorite flower to the bride's mother.
  • The bride's father seems a rather subordinate figure at the fash¬ionable wedding. After he has given away the bride, he retires into the background, escorting his wife to her carriage at the conclusion of the ceremony. He does not assist her in receiving the guests at the house, but circulates among them after congratulations have been tendered the newly wedded pair.
  • Formal afternoon dress is necessary for men who attend a day wedding, at church or at home. At an evening wedding they wear evening clothes.
  • After a wedding, the members of the bridal party are expected to call on the bride's mother within ten days or two weeks.
  • A bridal party always stand with their backs to the audience, the clergyman facing it.


Remember--

  • That men's evening clothes are not worn before six o'clock.
  • That women wear their hats at afternoon functions, teas, luncheons, bridge parties, etc., and remove them at evening affairs.
  • That in society, personal affairs, servants, dress, household difficulties, "symptoms," illnesses and bereavements, are not to be made a subject of conversation.
  • It is not good form to talk of the cost of articles or mention money affairs in company.
  • The social aspirant should cultivate the art of saying polite nothings acceptably. Small talk is the small change of social life.
  • One should be prompt at dinner, a card-party or a musicale.
  • At a dancing-party the hostess does not dance, as a rule, during the first part of the evening. She receives her guests and sees that the women are provided with partners.
  • A man who dances should pay his hostess the courtesy of invit¬ing her to dance. He should certainly dance with her daughter.
  • Engaged couples should be careful to avoid demonstrations of affection or preoccupation in each other while in company.


Remember--

  • That the salt-shaker is out of favor; the open salt cellar and the salt-spoon are much preferred.
  • Never cut bread; break it with the fingers. Never butter a large piece, or spread it in the palm of your hand.
  • The finger-bowl will be brought on a plate with a doily under it.
  • Lift both from the plate to the table. The plate is then ready for the fruit course.
  • Black coffee--cafe noir--is usually served without cream. Cut loaf sugar is passed with it.
  • If a visitor for one meal only, the napkin is not folded at the conclusion of a meal. If staying a day or two follow the practice of the hostess.
  • Creme de menthe is served before the coffee, in small liquor glasses.
  • Do not break bread or crackers into the soup nor tip the plate to obtain the last of it. Do not play with crumbs, or finger knife or spoon.
  • Never touch a knife to fish or salad.


Remember--

  • Do not move glass, spoon, etc., when the maid brushes the crumbs from the cloth.
  • Knife and fork are laid upon the plate, tines of the latter upward, when the plate is passed for a second helping. This "second help" is permitted only at family or informal dinners.
  • A host must not urge food upon a guest after it has once been declined.
  • Lift the cup or glass to the lips, instead of bending toward it. Do not throw the head back and raise the cup to get the last of its contents.


Remember--

  • To prepare a list of the members of the family who will go to the cemetery at a funeral, for the undertaker's guidance, arranging them in the order of the relationship.
  • Flowers should be sent early in the morning of the day of inter¬ment, or on the previous afternoon. Acknowledgment by note or ver¬bally is expected.
  • A letter expressive of sympathy in a friend's bereavement should be sent immediately upon learning of a death.
  • During an illness, make inquiries at the door, leaving a card with "To inquire" written upon it. This apprises a friend of your interest in her troubles, yet makes no claim upon her time.
  • Men wear mourning bands on their hats, not on the coat sleeve. Borders on mourning stationery and cards should be narrow.
  • Invitations to receptions, weddings, and general entertainments, excepting dancing parties, balls and cotillions, are sent to people in mourning. A response on black bordered stationery sufficiently indi¬cates the reason for non-acceptance.


Remember--

  • That the typewriter does not figure in social correspondence.
  • A neat, well written letter or note is a credit to the writer, and a compliment to her correspondent.
  • Avoid "fancy" or bizarre stationery. A good quality of white or cream paper, in several sizes, is indicative of refined taste.
  • The forms of address, under the head of  "Letter forms" may be profitably studied.
  • Abbreviations are incorrect. Write out the name of the state on your envelope; otherwise it may go astray.
  • To keep a dictionary on one's desk is a wise precaution unless one is sure of herself in regard to spelling.
  • Answer all notes of invitation promptly, and unconditionally; and all friendly letters within a reasonable time.
  • If you never say an unkind or hateful thing in a letter, you will never fear you may be some day condemned by your written evidence.
  • Don't keep old letters; it is unwise.
  • Avoid discussions on any subject on which people feel strongly, like politics and religion. Do not hold an argument in society.
  • Remember that good manners are made up of petty sacrifices, gracefully made.
  • A kind "no" is often more agreeable than a rough "yes." An assent, given grudgingly, is always ungracious.
  • Take note of this quotation: "Life is like a mirror. It reflects the face you bring to it. Look out lovingly upon the world and the world will look lovingly in upon you."



MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS FOR OUR GREAT MIDDLE CLASS
AS WELL AS OUR BEST SOCIETY
Correspondence, Cards and Introductions, Dress for Different Occasions, Weddings, Christenings, Funerals, Etc.,
Social Functions, Dinners, Luncheons.
Gifts, "Showers," Calls, and Hundreds of Other Essential Subjects so Vital to Culture and Refinement of Men, Women, School-Girls and Boys at Home and in Public.
By MRS. ELIZABETH JOHNSTONE
Excerpt from the book:
MOTHER'S'  REMEDIES
Over One Thousand Tried and Tested Remedies from Mothers of the United States and Canada.
By DR. T. J. RITTER
PUBLISHED BY G.H. FOOTE  PUB. CO. DETROIT MICH 1921
Powered by Blogger.